The World And Me

This post is not a normal post. There are many things going on in my head. I need to let them out. I need to rant.

This is a personal diary entry. I don't intend on sharing it with anyone. And yet, I am going to (or at least try to) write this post in a generic manner, keeping most characters anonymous. I believe that this way, I can dissociate my complaints and problems from specific people and focus on what I can control.

There is zero to a very minute possibility that you are actually reading this, regardless of how you ended up here. If you are reading this, there are a few things you should know.

These are my thoughts and feelings. They are personal. I am allowing you to peek inside my head and take what you want from it but I am not looking for your opinion or advice on anything.
If you care about me and are concerned, you may be tempted to act. You might want to talk to me about some things. Pleas do not. If you know me, you are already aware that I am perfectly capable of seeking advice when I need it. This is not how I do it.
I am not apathetic. I am also brutally honest and sense of humour is my coping mechanism. Sometimes, I will say things that will hurt people around me and eventually myself. I am self-aware and apologetic.
Obviously, what I feel and think is influenced by the people around me. If you choose to continue reading beyond this, you might feel that some things I say are about you or someone you know. If you cannot handle that, you should stop reading now :)
These are my thoughts at the time of writing. Over time, they may or may not persist.

TL;DR: Read at your own risk and keep it shut 😁

Mobile Phones - especially the social media.

It is impossibly painful to have a proper conversation with almost anyone these days. People are immersed in doom scrolling to a point where they will have zone out a face-to-face conversation. I cannot understand how one can be scrolling tiktok or instagram while others in the room are talking directly to/with them. It is incredibly rude. How can you have your airpods on nearly full volume listening to god-knows-what while also using your mouth to have a full-on conversation with me. Why do I need to shout your name out loud or tap you on the shoulder when we you can clearly see my lips moving and my eyes looking right at you.

If you must use your phone, at least have the basic courtesy to explicitly ask me to shut up - "Hey, sorry I need to use my phone for X. Gimme a sec". Or if that is too polite, even a "I am not listening to you right now, my attention is elsewhere. Let's get back to this". It's not like I don't use my phone. I will understand. Heck, I even tell people that I am zoning out for some time.

Even when you are "listening", you cannot pay attention for more then 10-15 seconds, thanks to tiktok. You have forgotten to actively listen, ask questions, show emotion and use your body in your language.

If you think you need to get defensive about this, it is not because you are running a business your phone (influencer et al). Neither are you talking to a long distance relative or friend. And you are also not catching up on the news. It is because you hate a reality check. You don't like to feel guilty for being called out. Because just want to go back to ignoring real human conversation unconsciously and without acknowledgement. And that sucks. It sucks for the people around you and it sucks for you.

I am not a psychologist but I can guarantee that this low attention span is affecting your relationships with people and your own personal growth. You are more vulnerable to hate news, easily influenced for instant shopping, less receptive to original ideas and you get most of your opinions from the herd community on the Internet. That is sad. You don't have an ownership over your course of actions. It shows.

Me: I am not a saint. I use my phone too - a lot sometimes. Less than other people but I do. I am not on social media but I scroll youtube shorts. I watch sports highlights. I text and call my friends and family. The difference, I don't do it when I am with other humans. I do it in my own time. If I absolutely need to, I will pause a rea life conversation, use my phone for the bare minimum, then apologize and get back to the real life conversation. I am not in a position to prescribe this to others but I am also not accepting the 2024 norms - it is not okay to use your phone when I am looking into your eyes while talking to you.

Friendships, family and relationships

Stop being sly, selfish, manipulative, dishonest and a leech. Note to self as much as an expectation from others.

I too, like many others, often take more than I give and I am well aware of that. There are no excuses or justifications for that behavior. It's not fair but it is a reality. I acknowledge it and I actively work on it.

I will never ask for what I cannot give. I will almost always, give before I take. And in most cases, I will overcompensate. That is how I am. It is not a flex. I am not boasting. It is who I am. It gives me joy. Most times, I will do it in a way that you won't even notice. But, that is not something you can expect from me. That cannot become the way that you perceive me to be all the time. You cannot hold it against me if I (sometimes) cannot be that person. I need a break. I need some time for myself. Like others, I like feeling respected, adored and special too. It isn't fair to make me feel guilty when I am seeking instead of giving.

I do not expect you to be identical to me. But be fair. Be respectful. Be accommodating. If you are feeling defensive about this, it is a moment to reflect, not to agress. It is affecting you because you probably did something wrong. How do I know? I've played this game with myself and I was able to find more things to work on and less things to blame the other person. You're welcome.

Personal preferences

I am weird in many ways. I use a calendar for personal events. I think too much about things that you don't and I think too little about things you do. I spend hours reading and writing reviews about travel and food. Sometimes, I eat obsessively and sometimes I'm on a strict diet.

I may come across as someone who has a firm grip on his life but sometimes, I am just trying shit. I am confident in myself but external factors undoubtedly influence outcomes.

I don't impose my ideas on others. I won't make you hate yourself for doing or not doing something. If I am concerned about you or encouraging you to try something, it will be in a way where I will tell you why I am suggesting something, what it entails and if and how I have done it. Whether or not you should do it, will remain your decision. You need to respect my processes and decisions too. Especially when the only input and output is my body or mind.

If I am trying a new diet, let me do it. Respect it. Support it of you can. Join if you want. But don't discourage me. Don't make me feel guilty about doing it. Don't do it if you don't want to. I won't force you.

If I am not going to the gym at all or going at weird hours, there are reasons. They are my reasons. I will bare the consequences. If you care, your advice is welcome. I will consider it. But once you've expressed your concern and I've made my decision, it is time to move on.

I like to plan in advance. It gives me an opportunity to express my love. I will put thought, time and energy into finding a good bottle of wine or restaurant to eat or an activity suitable for the occasion and the person. It's okay if you don't want to participate in it. I don't expect you to. But don't underestimate my efforts. If we have agreed to something, stick to the plan. Don't change it last minute (emergencies excepted, ofcourse). It is difficult for me to keep moving stuff around. I hate being late and I hate shifting/cancelling commitments. I will usually be there before time and I expect you to also be on time.